the world of gayeDOCTOR MY EAR'S
February 27th 2008 07:02
Yesterday I went out with my goddaughter to watch her sing in a talent quest. This was a pretty good quest, it was in a club with a proper band, sound people and the contestants had to sing three different songs. So I thought, okay I am in for a good afternoon,s entertainment.
That was my first mistake! The first contestant, a young lady with a long black coat on that made her look like the grim reaper and coke bottle glasses propped on her nose,came on and she proceeded to catwail her way through the first torturous number.
Oh my ears! She made my eyes water she was so bad. She stood in the one spot trembling with I dont know what, fear or excitement, but it wasn't in time to the music and the words to the song sounded familiar but I don't know what melody she was trying to sing. It definitely wasn't the same tune the band were playing! Okay so on to the next lamb to the slaughter. A young man this time who had a chin so big and flabby it danced all on it's own. He had the face of a baby and then he opened his mouth and a ninety year old voice came out. I nearly choked on my coke. And oh, what wonderful songs he sang, you know, songs that really get you shaking your booty. The first song was old man river, need I say any more! Okay so I had a little nap and when I woke up act three proceeded to thrill me. NOT.
And then the host gave us all a much needed interval to gather our strength for the next three atrocities. So I went for a short walk, had twenty cigarettes to try and bring on an asthma attack so I wouldn't have to stay {but my lungs are like steel, it didn't work} and then plodded back to my seat in utter despair.
Okay, act four presents his head to all of us suckers, and surprise, surprise he's very good. But doesn't he know it. By the end of his self confident act I was so sickened by him I nearly yelled out bring back the grim reaper.
Act five: A woman of about fourty five who should have realised years ago she was never going to be a star! She sang country and western which instantly put me in a bad mood. I hate country and western music. So bopping around the stage like the pathetic old person that she looked like, and singing about her sick dog didn't really enthrall me, and what was even worse she had big ugly warts all over her face. I couldn't stop looking at them, they repulsed me and entertained me at the same time! Some of them were so big I was waiting for them to sing along. And then she came and sat with us to ask us if she sang well, what she looked like on stage and what did we think! I was lost for words, what should I say? I have such a hard time lying about things like this so my mouth moved around the words, yes you were very good, and inside my mouth trying to get past my teeth were the words, FUCKING KILL ME NOW DICKHEAD, YOU WERE APPALLING. And then it was the turn of my lovely goddaughter, who was dressed like a lady in a black cocktail dress and lovely high heels. She introduced herself and sang her first song. I was very proud of her, her songs were suitable, her voice was lovely and she looked like a lady. Of course she made mistakes but when she was finished she asked me to be honest and tell her what she needed to fix. Of course she made the semifinal and I will be there to watch her again, but next time I am taking extra big earplugs and an eyemask that will only be removed when she is on stage.
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