the world of gayeDR NO NO NO
March 26th 2009 00:24
I wrote a blog some time ago called “Stiff legs and a crippled crotch”about the ever growing limp and surrounding areas on my body. I did not know the reason why my body was suddenly coming over all corpse like, but I have since found out. It seems the old hip doesn’t quite rotate the way it used to.
I decided to take myself off to the local quack and demand an x-ray, when I realised that while going on one of my nice long walks I was uttering “oww” and “shit” every time I had to put one pudgy leg in front of the other.
And then there is the effort it takes just getting my bloomers on. I put the undies on the floor, look at them for a moment while I contemplate how to lift up my leg high enough to get into them. Then with an almighty effort I bend down and slide them over my foot as quickly as possible and hoist them up.
Getting into a car is another new adventure, I can keep my family amused for hours while I sit the left side of my rather large bum on the seat and then try to lift up the right leg.
After spending half an hour trying to get the message from the brain to the leg that it needs to bend to get into the car, I give up and lift it up with my arms and steer it in the right direction. Oh what fun !!
So along to the doctor’s I go full of hope that he will get me back in working order, this was not to be my friends. Why you ask?
Because the doc is a bloody idiot that’s why. I present my fine self to him and tell him I own a sore hip and a paralyzed leg and ask him what the problem could be? Dr Thin then asks me to climb up onto the table……yeah right. I heave myself up onto my side and moan continually while trying to turn over but I am stuck my friends and I wonder “is he going to help me or leave me forever wobbling on the brink of his medical table”?
Well eventually he grabs a leg and slides me over so the whole lot of me is now equally distributed on the sheet and he can now examine me. Dr Thin then grabs a leg, lifts it into the air and rotates it while I scream “let me go you silly man”.
He then utters the immortal words “heavy leg”, and so in an instant I come back at him with “heavy body” !!!. Do you believe this thin medical marvel? I am in agony with half a body that’s practically already dead and he comments on the weight of my beautiful pins !!! What a bloody cheek.
And so the leg exercises are finished and Dr Thin takes himself over to his desk while I struggle to put both feet back on the ground and walk without falling over and destroying his office and I ask him “what can I do about the pain”/
The wise one says, you need some painkillers and if it gets worse you will have to see a surgeon. Well as far as the pain killers go, I have taken every drug I can lay my hand on for the last few weeks and I am terrified of the surgeon because that would mean cutting. So I decide to keep taking the drugs for a while, and then Dr. Brilliant says “I want to see you doing a lot of walking” !!!!!!! I was stunned. I said to the wise one “I just walked up here and barely made it”.
I tried to explain to him that the pain was equal to giving childbirth only the baby was in my right leg, that walking made it soooo much worse, and do you know what he said with a smirk on his skinny face? “It’s all in your head”. If I had crutches I would have slammed him around the head with one.
Well I guess it’s time to find another doc….wish me luck as I hobble into the next doctors surgery and try to explain that there is part of me that’s “out of order” and needs help.
I decided to take myself off to the local quack and demand an x-ray, when I realised that while going on one of my nice long walks I was uttering “oww” and “shit” every time I had to put one pudgy leg in front of the other.
Getting into a car is another new adventure, I can keep my family amused for hours while I sit the left side of my rather large bum on the seat and then try to lift up the right leg.
After spending half an hour trying to get the message from the brain to the leg that it needs to bend to get into the car, I give up and lift it up with my arms and steer it in the right direction. Oh what fun !!
Because the doc is a bloody idiot that’s why. I present my fine self to him and tell him I own a sore hip and a paralyzed leg and ask him what the problem could be? Dr Thin then asks me to climb up onto the table……yeah right. I heave myself up onto my side and moan continually while trying to turn over but I am stuck my friends and I wonder “is he going to help me or leave me forever wobbling on the brink of his medical table”?
Well eventually he grabs a leg and slides me over so the whole lot of me is now equally distributed on the sheet and he can now examine me. Dr Thin then grabs a leg, lifts it into the air and rotates it while I scream “let me go you silly man”.
He then utters the immortal words “heavy leg”, and so in an instant I come back at him with “heavy body” !!!. Do you believe this thin medical marvel? I am in agony with half a body that’s practically already dead and he comments on the weight of my beautiful pins !!! What a bloody cheek.
And so the leg exercises are finished and Dr Thin takes himself over to his desk while I struggle to put both feet back on the ground and walk without falling over and destroying his office and I ask him “what can I do about the pain”/
The wise one says, you need some painkillers and if it gets worse you will have to see a surgeon. Well as far as the pain killers go, I have taken every drug I can lay my hand on for the last few weeks and I am terrified of the surgeon because that would mean cutting. So I decide to keep taking the drugs for a while, and then Dr. Brilliant says “I want to see you doing a lot of walking” !!!!!!! I was stunned. I said to the wise one “I just walked up here and barely made it”.
I tried to explain to him that the pain was equal to giving childbirth only the baby was in my right leg, that walking made it soooo much worse, and do you know what he said with a smirk on his skinny face? “It’s all in your head”. If I had crutches I would have slammed him around the head with one.
Well I guess it’s time to find another doc….wish me luck as I hobble into the next doctors surgery and try to explain that there is part of me that’s “out of order” and needs help.
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