the world of gayeHE'S DYING........WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?
May 26th 2009 00:25
My father is 72 and has had cancer fo a long time. While others succumb to this disease he has had cancer in a few different places over the years and has always survived. A few years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer but it was low grade and the doctor told him he would probably live another ten years.
Last week while in the shower he had a siezure (the second one) and fell and broke some ribs and cut his head open. So off to hospital he went once again.
While in hospital they found a very big mass in his lungs and it now seems like the cancer has spread so he won't get his 10 years after all.
For most families this would be tragic (even if the person in question is getting on) and hard to deal with but for me I am not sure how I feel. In fact I am not sure how my six sisters and brother will feel either and the reasons for this are many.
My dad was and still can be a very cruel man. His temper was terrifying and his words could cut you to pieces.
As a child evey night was filled with dread on his impending arrival home because we just knew there was a belting to be handed out or we were going to be threatened and called terrible names. If we laughed to loud, if we put our elbows on the table, if we dared talk back, off would come his leather belt and we would be beaten with it. How hard and how many times you got strapped would depend on how drunk he was. And if he had his friends around even better for him, he enjoyed showing them how to "discipline a child". If you showed and tears or any sign of pain he would yell in our faces "here is something to cry about" and belt us harder.
I remeber the terrifying rides in the back seat of his car when he would speed down mountain roads while drunk........sometimes so drunk he would be on the wrong side of the road...........and being so sure we were all going to die. Just once we actually let him know we were frightened and he threw us out of the car and left us in the middle of nowhere.
We all remember his idea of playing with us. He would place his two hands firmly on the sides of our heads and lift us by the head into the air, we had to laugh because if we showed that it was hurting he would get angry and hit us. Our necks would ache afterwards from this but you dare nto complain. There are so many other examples of his cruelty I have blocked a lot of it out.
Every day he would let me know how worthless I was. His lip would curl up and he would look at me with disgust and then proceed to tell me how fat and stupid I was. I have no memories of him ever hugging me and he has never said he loved me. I am not alone, he treated us all the same and we have all been damaged by it. My little sister was telling me that she spent the weekend as a child with him and his second wife and she drank some custard out of his fridge. She was hungry because mum never had any food in the house so it was a bonanza for her finding custard. He strapped her so hard for this that she never touched his food again.....BASTARD....he left us with nothing and never gave mum any financial support and then belts his child for being hungry !!!!
But there have been times through the years when we have laughed so hard together, where I have glimsped a softness in him, where he has been happy. But then he drinks and it all changes. All my life a can of beer has been much more important then me. He is old and frail now and I am going to visit him tomorrow, but I really wonder how I am supposed to feel. I have a feeling I am going to fall apart when he dies and I dont know why.
Maybe it is because it means I will never have the kind of dad I always wanted, maybe because I feel like I still disgust him, maybe because I kept hoping that he might changebut it will be too late. All my life he has been a mass of seething anger who has lashed out at us and caused so much damage.
His legacy has been (for me at least) to make me terrified of men, and I have never gotten over this.
To always let me know I was worthless
To be disgusted by weakness in others (I find that I can be very much like him in this respect)
I wonder what life would have been like if he had placed more importance on us than his alcohol?
Last week while in the shower he had a siezure (the second one) and fell and broke some ribs and cut his head open. So off to hospital he went once again.
While in hospital they found a very big mass in his lungs and it now seems like the cancer has spread so he won't get his 10 years after all.
My dad was and still can be a very cruel man. His temper was terrifying and his words could cut you to pieces.
As a child evey night was filled with dread on his impending arrival home because we just knew there was a belting to be handed out or we were going to be threatened and called terrible names. If we laughed to loud, if we put our elbows on the table, if we dared talk back, off would come his leather belt and we would be beaten with it. How hard and how many times you got strapped would depend on how drunk he was. And if he had his friends around even better for him, he enjoyed showing them how to "discipline a child". If you showed and tears or any sign of pain he would yell in our faces "here is something to cry about" and belt us harder.
We all remember his idea of playing with us. He would place his two hands firmly on the sides of our heads and lift us by the head into the air, we had to laugh because if we showed that it was hurting he would get angry and hit us. Our necks would ache afterwards from this but you dare nto complain. There are so many other examples of his cruelty I have blocked a lot of it out.
Every day he would let me know how worthless I was. His lip would curl up and he would look at me with disgust and then proceed to tell me how fat and stupid I was. I have no memories of him ever hugging me and he has never said he loved me. I am not alone, he treated us all the same and we have all been damaged by it. My little sister was telling me that she spent the weekend as a child with him and his second wife and she drank some custard out of his fridge. She was hungry because mum never had any food in the house so it was a bonanza for her finding custard. He strapped her so hard for this that she never touched his food again.....BASTARD....he left us with nothing and never gave mum any financial support and then belts his child for being hungry !!!!
But there have been times through the years when we have laughed so hard together, where I have glimsped a softness in him, where he has been happy. But then he drinks and it all changes. All my life a can of beer has been much more important then me. He is old and frail now and I am going to visit him tomorrow, but I really wonder how I am supposed to feel. I have a feeling I am going to fall apart when he dies and I dont know why.
Maybe it is because it means I will never have the kind of dad I always wanted, maybe because I feel like I still disgust him, maybe because I kept hoping that he might changebut it will be too late. All my life he has been a mass of seething anger who has lashed out at us and caused so much damage.
His legacy has been (for me at least) to make me terrified of men, and I have never gotten over this.
To always let me know I was worthless
To be disgusted by weakness in others (I find that I can be very much like him in this respect)
I wonder what life would have been like if he had placed more importance on us than his alcohol?
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Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by Cheryl J
Rhythmatism
Zentertainment
Budget Centsability
If you fall apart it will most likely be a mixture of so many emotions it would be hard to identify them all. You will feel what you feel and none of it will be wrong whether it be regret, anger, loss, relief, a little glad.
There is no right or wrong way to feel in a situation such as yours. You may never forgive him for what he did to you, and he probably doesn't deserve it, or you may forgive him instantly. Just make sure you carry no guilt or shame yourself for whatever you feel. If you hate him, love him, or have a mixture of both just accept that whatever you feel is OK.
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
I think writing it all down did me a lot of good, I got so much out. I think maybe it's time for me to stop pondering over things I cannot change and get on with it.