I THINK I'M NUTS!!!

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THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND - March 2008

I THINK I'M NUTS!!!

March 20th 2008 03:29

Okay, for those of you out there who don't suffer from anxiety disorders or panic attacks, you don't know how truly blessed you are. And for those of you who do, you have my deepest sympathy.
I have had ongoing anxiety problems for years, and so have a large number of my close family, and I thinK I would rather walk barefooted through a fire than go through this any more. It would be so nice to feel peaceful. I am having an attack as I write this, but I have found if I can occupy myself with something else it relieves the attack quite a bit, so I thought, why not bore everybody to death and talk about it.

It is a totally self indulgent illness, and I can say that because I have lived it. It causes untold worry to those closest, at least to my family, because every time I feel like this I am sure I have a bad heart or am dying of some horrible disease. Of course I am not, well as far as I know, and it is totally illogical but these thoughts persist and torment me nearly all the time. It stops me from living my life.
The other day I was so crazed with worry that I would not mow the lawn because I thought the activity would bring on a heart attack! And so what did I do? I went and sat on the lounge infront of the TV and ate a tub of ice cream. You figure it out!

panic has set in

I know that these fears are completely nuts but I don't seem to have any control over them. So while I am sane I am also insane if you get my drift. I had these attacks so bad 10 years ago that I just wanted to die rather than live this way, and eventually it led to a breakdown. After two years of medication and seeing a doctor on a weekly basis I recovered and was a totally different person. Even my son said I had changed so much he wasn't sure if he liked it. And so the last ten years have been great until I lost my job at xmas and bit by bit these evil little attacks have snuck up on me again. If I am alone I start to get a tight chest and my arm aches, and so I imagine dying on the floor from a heart attack and one of my family finding me in all my mad glory when they arrive home. I get pains in my head so I instantly think BRAIN TUMOUR!! If i get constipated ( sorry I know it's a gross subject} I think I have bowel cancer.
So maybe the time has come for another trip to my poor long suffering doctor, I think I need drugs!

I gave him such a hard time last time I was having panic attacks, he will probably put the "Out to lunch" sign up when he sees me coming. So to anybody that suffers these horrible little episodes in their life, keep your sense of humour and maybe write about it. It really seems to help me when I am in the middle of maddness.

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Comment by linzi

March 20th 2008 08:44

BEING YOUNG AND FOOLISH
when the travellers move in
acid colours

hi linzi here,I used to suffer from anxiety, when i had a buisness and was constantly getting ill. It wasnt untill i sold the bloody thing that i thought everything was fine.I then started to get depressed at the thoughts running threw my head about childhood issues.I found that i was totally nuts,and maybe have to seek medical attension. i had things out with my mother and i just let it ride. Now im in a much better place.It sounds as though you need to keep busy.Look for another job, nothing to heavy to gain your confidence.Maybe you need to take up yoga or exercise.Its all about the breathing with panic attacks.

And for gods sake seek out some more tablets to get you through for the time being.There must be an inbalance in your brain,the feel good hormone is missing.Why dont you replace it with a little tablet, that restores your clarity,just untill you find a nice job that you like.Having a nervous breakdown is not good.It does fuck with your thoughts, and makes everone around you unsettled.It is all in the mind,which controls the body,i would definatly, change the lifestyle slightly, with the exercise.Sometimes its hard to motivate oneself when you are frightened of even going out.Just to talk to a neighbour outside is an issue.You need a holiday with some girls, a good blow out and laughter is the best medicine of all. good luck

p.s let me know how it goes xxx

Comment by Anonymous

March 20th 2008 12:30

thanks linzi, I will do all the things you suggested. I have already gone to the doctor. I have got a real sense of humour about all this, I look back sometimes and my friends and I have a good laugh at my craziness, and my son is a wonderful entertainer in a jazz band so I go out and watch him sing and it lifts me every time. I will be okay eventually, I just need to relearn how to find peace again.
love gaye

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