the world of gayeOI !! GET OFF OUR TRAIN
July 20th 2009 10:23
I did the good aunty bit this weekend and took the two angelic nieces aged three and six on a very long trip to see thier cousins and attend a birthday party. Just before we left I had a moment of clarity and thought to myself "am I mad?"...."how do I control these anklebiters on a two hour trip without a cage?". But I was pleasantly surprised, they were so good. We read books, drew pictures, and when it looked like their evil sides were about to spout forth and destroy the illusion of the perfect family I whipped out the chocolate. Yes folks, none of that healthy stuff like wheatgrass and rabbit food..........kids need chocolate, and it worked a treat (excuse the pun). My motto: A chocolaty (Is this a word?) kid is a happy kid.
After spending two lovely days with my sister and her children it was time to go home. I wasn't concerned this time because I now had renewed confidence that I had two well behaved kids that knew how to conduct themselves in public....YEAH RIGHT. The first clue that the ride home would be a massacre was when Isobel vomited all over my brother-in-laws car seat before we even reached the train station. I had no tissues on me and was wondering how I was going to cope cleaning her vomit up while dry heaving myself (I have a very weak stomach). I got over this stomach churning incident and we were once again on our way. While waiting for the train there were signs that Lilly (three year old Dora The Explorer look alike) was not feeling very co-operative, so I offered her food. Lilly loves food, any food, but she tends to put the whole item in her mouth at once and try to talk at the same time.
Can you guess the result? Yes people, she started to turn a strange shade of blue and pointing towards her bloated face and I panicked. I should have remained calm but that is not my way, while trying to unplug the blockage in her throat I was screaming "I told you not to eat like a pig". The food came up, her face went back to the normal shade of pink and my chest pains disappeared as we boarded the train to hell.
The train was very crowded and the two little petals ran away as I struggled to fit myself and two giant bags in between the seats. I found a large seat and proceeded to get out the food again so the two little petals would behave slightly human, and then Isobel decided that kicking the seat in front of her would be a lot of fun. She really enjoyed it but the man sitting in the seat with the scowl on his face didn't seem to be having the time of his life. Being the nice Aunty, I asked her to stop and explained why (because the man in front was going to kill her), and being the insolant child that she was acting like, she totally ignored me. I took out the story books to distract her, didn't work, I tried to play I spy with her, didn't work, and finally after threatening to leave her on the train and find another family I pinched her feet !! (This is such a bad thing to do in a politically correct world that I was terrified at any moment the train police would arrest me for assault). But it worked, her feet were once again pointed towards the floor and she hated me, ahhh everything was back to normal.
By this time we were half way homeward bound and my fuse was getting shorter. I thought it very appropriate not to give Isobel too much to eat after she threw her guts up in the back of a car but she thought otherwise. Chaos enshewed as Lilly decided that licking the dirty windows and using the seat as a trampoline was the proper way to behave and Isobel was begging me for food at the same time. As I tried to gain control over lilly before she leaped right over the seat and into somebody's lap Isobel was chanting loudly....."I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry" over and over agian until I finally lost it and yelled "ISOBEL SHUTUP AND LILLY SIT YOUR BUM ON THE SEAT". Everyone was looking at me as I shrank down in my seat and died of embarassment, and the kids smiled at me in amusement.
Of course by this time my mind was filled with thoughts of murder and panic like, "how the bloody hell do I control these animals?". So as Isobel was telling everyone on the train that I was a bad Gaye and pulling faces at me, and Lilly was grunting in dissapproval in my direction I informed them both that I was not thier friend and I wasn't talking to them (that will fix the little buggers). Didn't work. I stood up three stops before ours because I had to get myself into the running position for when the doors opened and we arrived at our destination. I swear the whole carriage applauded and breathed a sigh of relief as I and my two messengers of evil alighted.
And there stood thier mother.............GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST.
Next time I decide to be a good aunty I'm taking valium and it's going to be mixed with the chocolate !!
After spending two lovely days with my sister and her children it was time to go home. I wasn't concerned this time because I now had renewed confidence that I had two well behaved kids that knew how to conduct themselves in public....YEAH RIGHT. The first clue that the ride home would be a massacre was when Isobel vomited all over my brother-in-laws car seat before we even reached the train station. I had no tissues on me and was wondering how I was going to cope cleaning her vomit up while dry heaving myself (I have a very weak stomach). I got over this stomach churning incident and we were once again on our way. While waiting for the train there were signs that Lilly (three year old Dora The Explorer look alike) was not feeling very co-operative, so I offered her food. Lilly loves food, any food, but she tends to put the whole item in her mouth at once and try to talk at the same time.
Can you guess the result? Yes people, she started to turn a strange shade of blue and pointing towards her bloated face and I panicked. I should have remained calm but that is not my way, while trying to unplug the blockage in her throat I was screaming "I told you not to eat like a pig". The food came up, her face went back to the normal shade of pink and my chest pains disappeared as we boarded the train to hell.
The train was very crowded and the two little petals ran away as I struggled to fit myself and two giant bags in between the seats. I found a large seat and proceeded to get out the food again so the two little petals would behave slightly human, and then Isobel decided that kicking the seat in front of her would be a lot of fun. She really enjoyed it but the man sitting in the seat with the scowl on his face didn't seem to be having the time of his life. Being the nice Aunty, I asked her to stop and explained why (because the man in front was going to kill her), and being the insolant child that she was acting like, she totally ignored me. I took out the story books to distract her, didn't work, I tried to play I spy with her, didn't work, and finally after threatening to leave her on the train and find another family I pinched her feet !! (This is such a bad thing to do in a politically correct world that I was terrified at any moment the train police would arrest me for assault). But it worked, her feet were once again pointed towards the floor and she hated me, ahhh everything was back to normal.
By this time we were half way homeward bound and my fuse was getting shorter. I thought it very appropriate not to give Isobel too much to eat after she threw her guts up in the back of a car but she thought otherwise. Chaos enshewed as Lilly decided that licking the dirty windows and using the seat as a trampoline was the proper way to behave and Isobel was begging me for food at the same time. As I tried to gain control over lilly before she leaped right over the seat and into somebody's lap Isobel was chanting loudly....."I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry" over and over agian until I finally lost it and yelled "ISOBEL SHUTUP AND LILLY SIT YOUR BUM ON THE SEAT". Everyone was looking at me as I shrank down in my seat and died of embarassment, and the kids smiled at me in amusement.
Of course by this time my mind was filled with thoughts of murder and panic like, "how the bloody hell do I control these animals?". So as Isobel was telling everyone on the train that I was a bad Gaye and pulling faces at me, and Lilly was grunting in dissapproval in my direction I informed them both that I was not thier friend and I wasn't talking to them (that will fix the little buggers). Didn't work. I stood up three stops before ours because I had to get myself into the running position for when the doors opened and we arrived at our destination. I swear the whole carriage applauded and breathed a sigh of relief as I and my two messengers of evil alighted.
And there stood thier mother.............GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST.
Next time I decide to be a good aunty I'm taking valium and it's going to be mixed with the chocolate !!
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