the world of gayeSCREAMING
April 24th 2009 10:37
This week for me has been like being in locked cage. For days I have been having anxiety attacks and they won't go away. Night time comes, my chest starts to tighten and I think I am going to die. I am getting really pissed off about it because I thought I had conquered this years ago, so I thought if I sat down and wrote about it while it was happening maybe it might ease a little.
For those who have never had any problems with the physical side of anxiety let me paint the picture for you. Every day your chest feels like a truck has parked on it, it gets tighter and tighter until eventually you are short of breath. When this happens to me I feed the anxiety because I get frightened. I am to scared to walk, to scared to lift anything, to scared to turn over in bed, basically to scared to move at all because even though the common sense part of me says "this is just anxiety", the rest of me takes over, and I panic and I think at any moment I am going to have a massive heart attack and die. It terrifies me.
I have tried to find images that explain how this feels while it is happening, to explain the vice that is around my chest, the lightheadedness I feel and the general terror that I feel, I can't think straight when I am in the midst of this turmoil, my whole body feels like it is pulsating and I am thinking a hundred thoughts at once. I pace the floor, I smoke , I eat, I do anything to take my mind off wanting to ring someone up and scream down the phone "help me, I'm dying".
My friends and family have been through this before with me. They have sat in hospital emergency wards waiting for the nurses and doctors to once again tell me I am fine and it is anxiety. Over and over again I have been through this but still I think to myself "what if they are wrong?". I drive myself insane.
And so tonight I know there will not be much sleep because I can't turn my mind off. It is just massive fear basically that causes this reaction in me. I don't know what sets it off, but I have noticed it only really gets out of control at night and when I am alone. It sounds so childish when I write it down, like a little girl scared of the dark. Once again I will have to take medication to get this fear that's in me under control and make the boogiemen go away. I have had quite a few years of peace from this disorder and I don't know what's bought it back to haunt me but I know I will survive, and once again be able to just be still, and quiet like this beautiful tree.
I will once again regain control over my own thoughts and be able to sleep in a sea of calmness and wake up with serenity but tonight, I am screaming inside.
For those who have never had any problems with the physical side of anxiety let me paint the picture for you. Every day your chest feels like a truck has parked on it, it gets tighter and tighter until eventually you are short of breath. When this happens to me I feed the anxiety because I get frightened. I am to scared to walk, to scared to lift anything, to scared to turn over in bed, basically to scared to move at all because even though the common sense part of me says "this is just anxiety", the rest of me takes over, and I panic and I think at any moment I am going to have a massive heart attack and die. It terrifies me.
I have tried to find images that explain how this feels while it is happening, to explain the vice that is around my chest, the lightheadedness I feel and the general terror that I feel, I can't think straight when I am in the midst of this turmoil, my whole body feels like it is pulsating and I am thinking a hundred thoughts at once. I pace the floor, I smoke , I eat, I do anything to take my mind off wanting to ring someone up and scream down the phone "help me, I'm dying".
And so tonight I know there will not be much sleep because I can't turn my mind off. It is just massive fear basically that causes this reaction in me. I don't know what sets it off, but I have noticed it only really gets out of control at night and when I am alone. It sounds so childish when I write it down, like a little girl scared of the dark. Once again I will have to take medication to get this fear that's in me under control and make the boogiemen go away. I have had quite a few years of peace from this disorder and I don't know what's bought it back to haunt me but I know I will survive, and once again be able to just be still, and quiet like this beautiful tree.
I will once again regain control over my own thoughts and be able to sleep in a sea of calmness and wake up with serenity but tonight, I am screaming inside.
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