the world of gayeSELFISH
April 17th 2009 20:21
I had a DVD night last night and decided I wanted to watch something that was a bit of fun. A film like Mama Mia is all about fun...pure joy, it just makes you feel happy, and at the end of it after singing along to all the songs you find yourself with a smile on your dial. So it was with amazement that somewhere in the middle of this wonderful piece of happiness there was a moment in it that just knocked the wind out of me. It smacked me right in the face with a few home truths, it was like a musical parallel of my life.
I have a wonderful son who is my heart and I just adore him, but he is a decision I made without much planning and not a great deal of thought. He is the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had the privilege of this boy, but my choice was so selfish. It is not until you get a little older and a little wiser that you ponder on the pain you may have caused with the decisions you made. So this blog is for my Evan, the love of my life, just in case I have caused him pain, just in case I could have made better choices, just in case he does not know that even if I could have done better for him I would not take it back because I love him so much.
I was 25 and already knew I would never get married, my father took care of that. Even though I love my dad, he ripped every shred of self esteem and self love I had out of me and I was not willing to let another man do that to me again. I have always been happy with this decision, it is not one of the choices I regret. But I did not want to go through life without a child of my own. It was the seventies and everybody it seems, was having babies on their own and doing okay. I had a big circle of friends and among this group was a gorgeous funny beautiful man who shall remain my secret. From what I had been told he had recently split with his long term girlfriend and was single and carefree like me. They had one child together but he really seemed to be loving his freedom and joined our group on our weekly nights out at the disco getting drunk and letting loose. He made me laugh all the time and he was the best fun to be with and so I set my sights on him and I got him. Not long after I found myself pregnant and quite pleased with myself. I didn't really care about him, I was just so excited to be having the baby I wanted, in fact I didn't even tell him. I just stopped going out with my friends, stopped drinking and prepared to be a mother. He eventually went back to his girlfriend and produced 2 more children. This did not bother me at all, and when my baby was born I wrapped myself all around him and he became my focus.
As he grew and of course asked questions about his dad I tried to be as honest as I could. I told him the truth, that I wanted a baby more than anything, but his dad had a family of his own and they did not know about him. But I have such a big family that I always thought he was okay and did not need his dad. What a fool I was. When I was 13 and my father left us it was one of the happiest days of my short life, and so I thought Evan really wasn't missing out on much. I denied him the right to two parents just because I thought I was doing him a favour. He has never really complained but I know he wants to meet his dad. This is probably not going to happen because his dad has a wife and kids that don't know he exists. How can I cause them pain as well, it's not their fault I decided I just had to have a child without even consulting their dad. It's not Evan's fault I decided my needs were so important that I could not wait until I met someone so he would have a normal family unit. And so even though I know he knows I love him, the guilt I feel is always with me.
I know I am not a bad person but I was a selfish person. This was a very selfish decision now I look back on it but I would not trade my son for anything in the world. But when I saw this film and the young girl shouts down her mum about growing up without knowing who her father was, I cringed. It really was a painful thing for me to watch because I felt like it was me in the movie.
They say you get wiser as you get older and it is so true. The folly of youth can cause so much pain without even giving it a thought. There are a lot of educational programmes out there for pregnant teens and single mothers but I wonder if this is an aspect they have forgotten. I never even gave it a thought until I was older and wiser.
I have a wonderful son who is my heart and I just adore him, but he is a decision I made without much planning and not a great deal of thought. He is the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had the privilege of this boy, but my choice was so selfish. It is not until you get a little older and a little wiser that you ponder on the pain you may have caused with the decisions you made. So this blog is for my Evan, the love of my life, just in case I have caused him pain, just in case I could have made better choices, just in case he does not know that even if I could have done better for him I would not take it back because I love him so much.
As he grew and of course asked questions about his dad I tried to be as honest as I could. I told him the truth, that I wanted a baby more than anything, but his dad had a family of his own and they did not know about him. But I have such a big family that I always thought he was okay and did not need his dad. What a fool I was. When I was 13 and my father left us it was one of the happiest days of my short life, and so I thought Evan really wasn't missing out on much. I denied him the right to two parents just because I thought I was doing him a favour. He has never really complained but I know he wants to meet his dad. This is probably not going to happen because his dad has a wife and kids that don't know he exists. How can I cause them pain as well, it's not their fault I decided I just had to have a child without even consulting their dad. It's not Evan's fault I decided my needs were so important that I could not wait until I met someone so he would have a normal family unit. And so even though I know he knows I love him, the guilt I feel is always with me.
I know I am not a bad person but I was a selfish person. This was a very selfish decision now I look back on it but I would not trade my son for anything in the world. But when I saw this film and the young girl shouts down her mum about growing up without knowing who her father was, I cringed. It really was a painful thing for me to watch because I felt like it was me in the movie.
They say you get wiser as you get older and it is so true. The folly of youth can cause so much pain without even giving it a thought. There are a lot of educational programmes out there for pregnant teens and single mothers but I wonder if this is an aspect they have forgotten. I never even gave it a thought until I was older and wiser.
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Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
I do feel a bit for your son, though. Males need males around them. I hope things go well when he does meet his father. For everyone involved.
It makes me think of the film Secrets & Lies.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
The main problem I have is the only thoughts it engenders are ones of hatred.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I was touched by your story and all I can add is that in time, everything has a way of working itself out for the better, even when we have made bad choices. It is liek the universe just has to put things to rights. My observation is that it just takes a little patience and time is all.
Don*t worry, stay open to recieving guidance and love.
Lilla.
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
There is a saying pinned to the dunny wall (of all places) up in the monastery I frequent.
*No anger within,
No enemies without*
It certainly made me stop and think.
Lilla . .
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I believe there is a reason we don*t have that power. We are meant to make mistakes to fulfil the laws of free will and karma and the gaining of wisdom.
Admitting mistakes is great, but staying attached to the guilt of them is a waste of life.
Thank you again for writing your story, it is a blessing to us all, and hopefully the begining of the healing for you and your son, who will also rise on the wings of truth in time to come.
Lilla ..