the world of gayeTHE BIRDS.....No not the movie but I promise you will like it
May 1st 2009 09:52
I really felt like writing last night, but I was having a no inspiration day. But then The Good Son Evan said "mum, you have so many stories to tell about the funny things that have happened to you". AHHH, he is not only gorgeous but wise as well. He is right, I have a mountain of stupidity to write about, but today I will tell you about the birds. Not just one experience with these hitchcock creatures but three.
But today I will tell you about the one that still gives me nightmares and has me thinking I should have had therapy.
Years ago I decided to do the good mother thing (which doesn't come easy) and take Evan for a treat after school to McDonalds. I live on the corner of a main highway and McDonalds is about a 15 minute walk. After picking Evan up we went on our merry way, chatting and looking forward to a healthy meal of french fries and fat soaked hamburgers. About 5 minutes into the walk I noticed a bird hovering around and started to worry as it tried to hypnotize me with it's yellow eyes. Then it started to swoop, I was terrified. It didn't go near Evan, it just wanted me !! (what can I say, even animals find me attractive).
I took off my sparkly earrings, thinking maybe that's what the evil one was after......didn't work, meanwhile bending my knees as I walked and getting closer to the ground to avoid having a hole bored in my head. I recall having a headband on, that soon came off as well as I tried valiantly to save myself. By this time I was practically walking on my knees, meanwhile Evan was in hysterics.
I don't think a child has EVER heard so much bad language as what was spurting forth from my screaming mouth. I tried to hit it with my handbag as I yelled at the yellow eyed beast from hell " Fuck off you arsehole bird" (sorry but that is what I said). Ever seen a woman walking on her knees, swearing like a trouper and being attacked by a bird while a child is laughing their head off,? No.......well imagine it, and that was us.
As I undressed and walked on my knees a couple of hundred cars went past and from one of the open windows I heard " HA HA HA HA HA", yes I was keeping everyone amused while they waited for the lights to change. I didn't have time to feel embarrassed, I was to busy trying to hit it with my handbag.
We finally reached McDonalds and I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I had just come home from the war, I needed sustenance to revive me. So a couple of big mac's and large fries later it was time to go home. I patted my hair back down, cleaned my knees, and felt a lot calmer. Until I started the walk home !!! Start the spooky music please.
THE BASTARD HAD WAITED FOR ME. Yes that's right....not content to travel one way, this taloned, sharp clawed satanist had decided to come along for the return trip. Mongrel bird.
He didn't hang around for long this time thank god, must have had a wife waiting for him at home or something. Anyway I got home with my head still holeless and managed to keep my food down and thought that was the end of it. Wrong again.
Remember the very loud laughter I mentioned coming from the car. The next day at school Evan's teacher came over to him and said "don't think I didn't see your mother assaulting the bird with her handbag yesterday and hear the language coming out of her mouth".....apparently he thought it was as funny as Evan did !!
But today I will tell you about the one that still gives me nightmares and has me thinking I should have had therapy.
WHEN BIRDS ATTACK GAYE AND NOBODY ELSE
Years ago I decided to do the good mother thing (which doesn't come easy) and take Evan for a treat after school to McDonalds. I live on the corner of a main highway and McDonalds is about a 15 minute walk. After picking Evan up we went on our merry way, chatting and looking forward to a healthy meal of french fries and fat soaked hamburgers. About 5 minutes into the walk I noticed a bird hovering around and started to worry as it tried to hypnotize me with it's yellow eyes. Then it started to swoop, I was terrified. It didn't go near Evan, it just wanted me !! (what can I say, even animals find me attractive).
I took off my sparkly earrings, thinking maybe that's what the evil one was after......didn't work, meanwhile bending my knees as I walked and getting closer to the ground to avoid having a hole bored in my head. I recall having a headband on, that soon came off as well as I tried valiantly to save myself. By this time I was practically walking on my knees, meanwhile Evan was in hysterics.
I don't think a child has EVER heard so much bad language as what was spurting forth from my screaming mouth. I tried to hit it with my handbag as I yelled at the yellow eyed beast from hell " Fuck off you arsehole bird" (sorry but that is what I said). Ever seen a woman walking on her knees, swearing like a trouper and being attacked by a bird while a child is laughing their head off,? No.......well imagine it, and that was us.
As I undressed and walked on my knees a couple of hundred cars went past and from one of the open windows I heard " HA HA HA HA HA", yes I was keeping everyone amused while they waited for the lights to change. I didn't have time to feel embarrassed, I was to busy trying to hit it with my handbag.
We finally reached McDonalds and I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I had just come home from the war, I needed sustenance to revive me. So a couple of big mac's and large fries later it was time to go home. I patted my hair back down, cleaned my knees, and felt a lot calmer. Until I started the walk home !!! Start the spooky music please.
THE BASTARD HAD WAITED FOR ME. Yes that's right....not content to travel one way, this taloned, sharp clawed satanist had decided to come along for the return trip. Mongrel bird.
He didn't hang around for long this time thank god, must have had a wife waiting for him at home or something. Anyway I got home with my head still holeless and managed to keep my food down and thought that was the end of it. Wrong again.
Remember the very loud laughter I mentioned coming from the car. The next day at school Evan's teacher came over to him and said "don't think I didn't see your mother assaulting the bird with her handbag yesterday and hear the language coming out of her mouth".....apparently he thought it was as funny as Evan did !!
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