the world of gayeTHE DEATH OF TRUST
May 11th 2009 08:21
I had another subject I was going to write about today but I have changed my mind and decided to write something personal. The disintegration of trust and truth in a family because of the behaviour of one person. My story is probably one that others will recognize, my anger is probably the same anger others feel in the same situation, and my loss of trust and respect is something I am sure others have experienced as well when there is a compulsive gambler in the family.
As long as I can remember my mother has loved to have a bet and that is okay if it just a little fun. Mum started to have a little flutter when I was a teen and dad had left us.
She made new friends and used to enjoy a night out with them at the club once a week. While she was out with her friends my sister or I would babysit our brother and two sisters who were still toddlers and we didn't mind because she worked hard at a nursing home to support us and keep a roof over our heads, so she deserved a little fun. My mum is a very moral person, there was never any strange men in our house and she was big on education and getting a good job, she is basically a very good person.
But from very early on the lies started and the distrust was setting in. I remember waiting excitedly for my first tax refund when I started work and it never came. I waited and waited and then started to realise something was wrong. I took myself in to the taxation office and spoke to them about my refund not arriving and they proceeded to tell me it had been sent out quite a while ago. They then told me it had been cashed and would I like to sign a statutory declaration to say it had been stolen. Of course I complied, I wanted the thief who stole my money to be caught. Imagine my total embarrassment and humiliation when they brought the cashed cheque out to me to view and it had my name on it but it was my mothers handwriting. Of course she denied it, in fact she ripped me to pieces for having the nerve to accuse her of it, but later on that night admitted that yes, she had cashed it.
This was the first of many lies that continue today. Our belongings have been hocked, money burrowed on a regular basis because my siblings believe her lies when she tells them she hasn't got enough to pay the bills.......her wages just don't cover everything. The reason the bills are not being paid is because her gambling is now out of control. I know this because I share a home with her. She disappears as soon as any money lands in her hot little hands, whether it be our part of the rent, or money for the bills. She will head out the door early in the morning and we will not see her until maybe midnight after she has lost everything, and then either comes home frantic or feeling sorry for herself. Then for the next few days everyone suffers her anxious frantic personality because she is desperately trying to think of where she can get some money to survive. Why stay you ask? Why not tell my siblings? Because she is 72 years old that's why. She has always been poor (even thought this is totally her own fault,) she has cashed in all her superannuation over the years to stop losing her home, because she has gambled the rent money, and she is to old to survive without our help now. So we stay.
I have tried to tell my siblings not to lend her money, and if they do to make sure they check out what she is telling them because it is probably a lie. Chances are it will go to the pokies
At 72 years of age she still denies she is gambling, and chances are she will deny it until she dies. My sisters and brothers have no idea the extent of her lies and if I try to tell them they think I am just being a bitch because they don't live with it, and basically she is a kind decent woman so they of course believe she is a saint. If you have lived with a compulsive gambler you will know the slow destruction of your trust, the loss of any respect, the fights they cause, the stress they cause and the lack of responsibility they take for the mess they create in everyone else's life. It has destroyed our relationship, I love her but have no respect for her whatsoever. I don't believe one single word she speaks and so I barely speak to her. I do not wish to hear her bullshit anymore.
The effects are far reaching and deep, even if she stopped gambling now it is too late...I could never trust her ever again. The damage has been done.
As long as I can remember my mother has loved to have a bet and that is okay if it just a little fun. Mum started to have a little flutter when I was a teen and dad had left us.
She made new friends and used to enjoy a night out with them at the club once a week. While she was out with her friends my sister or I would babysit our brother and two sisters who were still toddlers and we didn't mind because she worked hard at a nursing home to support us and keep a roof over our heads, so she deserved a little fun. My mum is a very moral person, there was never any strange men in our house and she was big on education and getting a good job, she is basically a very good person.
But from very early on the lies started and the distrust was setting in. I remember waiting excitedly for my first tax refund when I started work and it never came. I waited and waited and then started to realise something was wrong. I took myself in to the taxation office and spoke to them about my refund not arriving and they proceeded to tell me it had been sent out quite a while ago. They then told me it had been cashed and would I like to sign a statutory declaration to say it had been stolen. Of course I complied, I wanted the thief who stole my money to be caught. Imagine my total embarrassment and humiliation when they brought the cashed cheque out to me to view and it had my name on it but it was my mothers handwriting. Of course she denied it, in fact she ripped me to pieces for having the nerve to accuse her of it, but later on that night admitted that yes, she had cashed it.
This was the first of many lies that continue today. Our belongings have been hocked, money burrowed on a regular basis because my siblings believe her lies when she tells them she hasn't got enough to pay the bills.......her wages just don't cover everything. The reason the bills are not being paid is because her gambling is now out of control. I know this because I share a home with her. She disappears as soon as any money lands in her hot little hands, whether it be our part of the rent, or money for the bills. She will head out the door early in the morning and we will not see her until maybe midnight after she has lost everything, and then either comes home frantic or feeling sorry for herself. Then for the next few days everyone suffers her anxious frantic personality because she is desperately trying to think of where she can get some money to survive. Why stay you ask? Why not tell my siblings? Because she is 72 years old that's why. She has always been poor (even thought this is totally her own fault,) she has cashed in all her superannuation over the years to stop losing her home, because she has gambled the rent money, and she is to old to survive without our help now. So we stay.
I have tried to tell my siblings not to lend her money, and if they do to make sure they check out what she is telling them because it is probably a lie. Chances are it will go to the pokies
At 72 years of age she still denies she is gambling, and chances are she will deny it until she dies. My sisters and brothers have no idea the extent of her lies and if I try to tell them they think I am just being a bitch because they don't live with it, and basically she is a kind decent woman so they of course believe she is a saint. If you have lived with a compulsive gambler you will know the slow destruction of your trust, the loss of any respect, the fights they cause, the stress they cause and the lack of responsibility they take for the mess they create in everyone else's life. It has destroyed our relationship, I love her but have no respect for her whatsoever. I don't believe one single word she speaks and so I barely speak to her. I do not wish to hear her bullshit anymore.
The effects are far reaching and deep, even if she stopped gambling now it is too late...I could never trust her ever again. The damage has been done.
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Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
how hard to not be able to trust your own mum
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
I have always thought this form of gambling is bad but I am just as bad in another way because I buy lotto and lottery tickets - often. So what type of gambling is OK and what is not OK?
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
Family Madness
bright lights greedy city
REFLECTIONS
THE WINDMILLS OF MY MIND