the world of gayeWELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
March 2nd 2008 09:08
We once had a normal backyard like everybody else, but mother being mother (she's not getting alzhiemer's, she's always been nuts) decided to save the frogs of the world and build a little oasis for them. First came a gigantic hole in the dirt that she proceeded to place an old bathtub in and pretend it was a fishpond. She then proceeded to place the most out of control plants she could find all around it and populate it with sealife.
That was fine with all of us if it made her happy, but then the frogs decided to move in with us and they eventually took over our world. They must have been taking frog viagra because they bred at the speed of light. We would be walking around the house and come to a dead stop in the middle of the kitchen because there would be little froggie spreadeagled and relaxing on a door we were about to walk through. I would be sitting on the lounge and see something out of the corner of my eye. I would sit there in terror thinking "will I look or pretend it's not there", I have this unnatural fear that at anytime a frog is going to launch itself through the air and attack my face!
Then came the spiders. Oh how I hated spiders. Evil little fuckers. As the plants grew and the frogs became out of control the spiders decided this was a great place to live! Everywhere I looked there would be some evil little spider laying in wait for it's next victim - ME. I kept walking into the cobwebs and then throw myself around the yard in a mad panic because I thought the spider was attached to the cobweb, it was spider panic at it's worst.
Okay eventually I learned to live with the creatures of the night but then came the thing that made me pack my bags and leave home for a week. A rotten ugly horrible brown snake. OH MY GOD. My son walked straight past it and my mother ran for her life, and the two dogs just went back to sleep. I had to leave, it was the snake or me. We never saw it again and I often wonder if it's living in the yard getting big enough so it can come back and eat me!
And then there is the bat, I told you all about the bat a little while ago. Mother decided in all her craziness to plant a palm tree near my room and a bat moved in. Not just any bat, a killer bat. It hates my guts, it throws missiles at me in the night and lately it has become so agressive that I tiptoe past the tree so it can't hear me. I am sure one morning my family is going to find me dead in the back yard with my neck ripped out. Then maybe they will believe that the bat had it in for me!!
Now for the last three weeks the lawn has not been mowed because the mower like everything else in the house decided it needed a rest and expired. It has also been raining for the last month so the animals that live here have been having one big flora and fauna party! At night I hear sounds coming from the yard that I never knew existed and inbetween these sounds the bat is babbling away to himself. Probably plotting his next assault on me. The cat is having a ball leaping in and out of the grass with numerous horrors in her mouth, and the frogs now have a choir.
But the other day all of the mad mother's good intentions came back and bit her in the bum. I was sitting at my computer and heard a high pitched scream, so out I ran in my heroine guise and found my mother stabbing at the bushes around the bathtub fishpond with a broom and a red face. It seems she was wandering past the fishpond and a giant head stuck it's head out and hissed at her. So I asked her what it looked like and she just kept saying it was a big ugly snake with a diamond shape head. I then asked her how big it was and she said it was huge. Now not being a snake lover I don't have a lot of info in my head about snakes but I know their heads are usually not huge unless it's a boa constricter about to eat you or the dog. So I parked my big bum on the computer and looked up snakes and lizards, and came across LIZARDS.
Yes folks this was her snake. A big ugly blue tongue lizard who must reside in our backyard along with the other wildlife. And so I calmed the mother down and called the lawn mower man. It's time to bite the bullet and take our home back! All the residents who are squatting in our yard are being served an eviction notice and being told to move on. All except the bat. I'll let someone else evict the bat because it can fly so therefore can get me back no matter where I am! Maybe an excorcism would be a good idea, Oh how I hate that bat.
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